I know when I die you’ll be saving me
a right hand seat next to Satan
for the love of you I forsake all others
and you traded my devotion to you
for china white.
Went to a party last night, the cops showed up around one, so the mother of the house rounded up all the under 21s and stuck them in a room until after the cops left. They left and the owners of the house wouldn’t let us leave. We were trapped there for like an hour and a half. We had to jump a neighbors fence in order to escape. Best part of the story? I was wearing a short dress and heels. Fucking worst thing ever.
My life has been falling apart for years and all I’ve done is stand idly by and watch.
Well then. I’m the most passive player in my own life.
I am an incredibly visual and tactile person. I like to touch things, I like to see and remember. I will remember how your face felt as I touched your cheek, or the softness of your shirt as I laid on your chest and felt your heart beat. I will remember how bright your eyes looked, the way you smile when it’s a real smile, or how the sunset looked on a certain day. My memories are built on textures and things that I see, small memorable things I can never forget. Cool summer night breezes and the way the lights flashed by and how I felt so…. Infinite.
I have resigned myself to never knowing
exactly how what goes on behind your eyes
I have tried more times than I can count
and left myself exhausted for years
with the weight of your decisions
laid across my weak and bowed shoulders
I carry burdens from a hundred different souls
I will be free.
I’m having trouble differentiating between my dreams and reality. The lines between realities are blurring and I can’t see the distinction anymore. I don’t know what has happened, what hasn’t, and what could. I think I’m losing my mind.
Seriously though. Last week I missed a day of work because I literally could not bring myself to get out of bed. I slept for 15 hours that day. And I still felt shitty.
So unbelievably done. I’m going to do my best to kill those stupid feelings. If there was one person I could erase from my life it would be you, Cody Sarle. You, and every memory I ever had of you.
There’s not a lot that I feel like I can say. Last night I fought with my demons and lost. 2,000mg of pain killers and my edges went fuzzy and I felt a million tons heavier and I cried myself to sleep. Can I just not exist for a while? Or change medications?
Pierced my nose again. Again. Again. Again. Again. This is the fifth time I’ve pierced it.
I’m feeling so low right now. I don’t know why. I took my pills. I smiled and was a good girl. I’m not feeling it. Something is wrong, so very very wrong. there’s a feeling in my head like when you start to feel a roll coming on, a weird grip on my brain, gently squeezing. I don’t feel real. This shouldn’t be happening, the pills are supposed to fix this. I’m nearing the end of my rope. I can feel it, I’ve been thinking too much of the past today. Too much, too much, too much.
I will love you until the end of time, even if you don’t love me back. You don’t think it, but you’ve got the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen, and you deserve all the love I have and more.
I know I cannot change you, or save you, or bring light to the dark parts of your soul. But I can love you regardless of all your flaws, and this is my gift to you.